You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.