When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
This is true.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?