They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?