Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.