One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?