The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat