Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.