[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”