Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.