me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I’m just playing devils avocado here
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.