Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]