College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”