Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*