Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head