*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.