How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My favorite female superhero
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*