Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack