*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.