I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*