I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
You Might Also Like
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I am HOWLING at this
Well, this is awkward
Smooooooth
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
And now we wait
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.