My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?