Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.