@IamJackBoot

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

@IamJackBoot

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

@IamJackBoot

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

@IamJackBoot

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

@IamJackBoot

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

@IamJackBoot

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

@IamJackBoot

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.