I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.