@Smooheed

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

@Smooheed

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

@Smooheed

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

@Smooheed

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls