The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!