A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
🤣🤣🤣
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Is this you?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!