I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?