@TheBoydP

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

@TheBoydP

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

@TheBoydP

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

@TheBoydP

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

@TheBoydP

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

@TheBoydP

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently