You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.