Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.