When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.