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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos