“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*