my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
i choose….tongue
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”