I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.