Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley