It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.