The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Customer is always right
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew