How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.