Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials