Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*Inspirational Tweets*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”