witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Never forget.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie