Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
You Might Also Like
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”