this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My patience has stretch marks.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”