Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.