[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise