Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands