INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
You Might Also Like
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
dictator is short for richard potato
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
What the hell is going on?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Ummm