When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.