If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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