me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.